Steminist blog
Conquering the Imposter
Shreyasi Mukerji
Every morning I enter my office and I think: "Today is the day they are going to call me out." Fifteen years and the thought hasn't gone away. Every time I enter a new role, I think I'm completely winging it. People look to me for answers, and I've even reached a point where whatever I say is mostly accepted without question. Yet, deep down, I wonder if someone will eventually say, "Wrong!" and expose me as the imposter I sometimes fear I am.
It's almost funny that the managerial realm is such a complex landscape of not knowing what the right answer is, where expertise is a blend of knowledge and adaptability. Coming from technical roles with clear-cut distinctions, having answers reside in shades of gray has only made my self-doubt worse. Not that I didn't feel this way in technical roles as well. And I'm aware that many other people feel the same way, and this isn't unique to women in STEM.
That said, as women in STEM, we confront not only the complexities of our work but also the societal barriers that cast shadows of doubt on our abilities. In the earlier days of my career, I constantly battled an internal fear of my managers feeling like they made a mistake hiring me. Perhaps I even overcompensated for anything that I thought could be perceived as my inadequacies in a male-dominated environment.
But through experience, I've learned a profound truth: expertise is a journey, not a fixed state. It's about embracing the unknown, seeking knowledge, and collaborating with others. But most importantly, it's the ability to take risks. I realized that my willingness to admit when I don't know something and to learn from those around me is not a sign of weakness but a strength.
Imposter syndrome does ease up with age, expertise, and time spent in the industry. But it also changes form. In most of my previous roles, I could say that 2+2=4 and be confident in my objectively correct answer. As the input required from you changes from answers to decisions, the answer isn't so black and white, and you start to take "work" home with thoughts like "Did I do the right thing? Did I actually help my team today? Did my words have any impact?"
What I've come to understand is that impact isn't solely about the precision of our words or the perfection of our solutions. It's about the collective journey, the shared victories, and the resilience to overcome challenges, including the persistent specter of imposter syndrome. So to my fellow victims, please know that your feelings are valid. It's okay to doubt yourself, but don't let that doubt define you. Take risks, challenge the status quo, and push beyond your comfort zone.
